I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend
by k-shee
Summary: Chelsea sings about the need to be Vaughn’s girlfriend. Crackfic featuring Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend. Minor character bashing. Some OOCness. A lot of humor.


_"Girlfriend" belongs to Avril Lavigne. Beware Sabrina and Regis lovers._

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**I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend**

by k-shee

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"Ew, my gawd!" Julia whipped her blond head to meet her best friend's incredulous stare. "She's like, hanging all over him!"

"I know right!" Chelsea flipped her hair furiously. "She's, like, such a fat hoe."

Julia stared dully at her best friend, before they both erupted in laughter.

"Promise that we never do that again. We sound like those beyotches from those high school soaps. It's so…" Chelsea trailed off, shuddering.

"Yucky?" Julia supplied.

"Not even close." Chelsea hinted dryly, eyes flickering back to the scene not far from them. "But it's true what I said about Sabrina. This is getting too ridiculous. I bet Vaughn's being controlled by a voodoo doll."

"Then what are you waiting for, girl? Got get your man!"

Chelsea contemplated this, before snapping her fingers. "You know what? You're right." She purposely strode towards Luke's Diner, Julia trailing excitedly behind. The pair in question were seated with chairs close together, Sabrina snuggling against Vaughn's arm. The cowboy gulped as he tried to inch away, but froze as he saw Regis's faint silhouette in the window. Sabrina's father was carrying a rifle with a look that said, _I'm doing this for my daughter, you bloody imbecile, so don't mess up._

Chelsea would have laughed at the situation if it were just any other poor sap.

Vaughn shot her a _save-me! _look when he saw her bursting through the door. But apparently, that was enough of a distraction for Sabrina to lean in an peck him a kiss.

The air around Chelsea began to radiate an odd red color, until music suddenly rose up. Chelsea recognized the song immediately. Good ol' Unca Luke gave a thumbs up from where the Jukebox was situated. The rancher gave a grin.

By now, everyone was 'nodding their heads like yeah' to the beat.

Pumped up and jittery for the show to begin, Chelsea swaggered over to their table and slammed a hand down, making the plates jump up.

"_Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend! No way, no way, I think you need a new one. Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend."_

She grabbed him by the neckerchief, dragging him to the center of the diner and away from Sabrina. If they didn't get everybody's attention before, they sure did now.

"_You're so fine I want you mine, you're so delicious. I think about you all the time, you're so addictive. Don't you know what I can do to make you feel alright?" _She let herself dance against his stiff frame, winking coquettishly.

"_Don't pretend, I think you know I'm damn precious. And hell yeah, I'm the motherf… princess. Don't you know what I can do to make you feel alright?"_

Julia wolf-whistled from somewhere nearby. Chelsea laughed and blew her a kiss, then turned back to Vaughn, grinning.

"_She's like, so whatever," _she rolled her eyes and flicked her fingers at Sabrina, _"You could do so much better. I think you should get together now…" _She pulled him down then pushed him away just as quickly. _"And that's what everybody's talking 'bout!"_

The door burst open as the gaggle of island girls entered, each one falling into step to the dance, Lanna leading.

As they neared the end of the chorus Sabrina revived from her stupor and got a baseball bat from Goddess-knows-where. She charged at rather clumsily, tripping on her numerous skirts.

Chelsea didn't bat an eyelash as she turned and caught the baseball bat with one hand, using the momentum to send Sabrina crashing through the window.

"Hey, you're paying for that!" Luke randomly shouted at the air.

Outside, Regis ran towards his gurgling daughter. "Daddy's got you, darling. What hurts, snookums?"

"Daddy!" Sabrina whined, her voice pitching with well-practiced sobs. "They were mean to me! Kill them, please!"

Regis stood up and loaded his gun. He was about to head in, when a heavy hand fell on his shoulder. Slowly, he lifted his head. Gannon grinned.

"And just where do you think you're going?"

Back in the diner, Vaughn suddenly found himself surrounded by the other island bachelors.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?"

"Here to watch the show," Mark replied cheekily. "What else?"

Meanwhile, the girls strutted their stuff on the makeshift stage.

"_In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger!_ _Cause I can, cause I can do it better. There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in? She's so stupid, what the hell were you thinking?!"_

Denny cheered. "Whoo! There's my girl! Go, Lanna!"

"Go, Natalie!" Pierre added in.

"Julia, I love your melons!" Elliot cheered, glasses fogged up and mouth foaming.

The music stopped as everyone stared.

"I mean…I…uh…"

Vaughn cracked his knuckles and punched the daylights out of the poor pansy. "Don't talk that way about my baby cousin!"

Julia had never been more mortified.

Chelsea gave a throat-clearing. "Um, guys—"

Lightning flashed as the doors burst open for the umpteenth time that night. They bounced off the walls and hit the person who opened them. A few snickers filled the awkward silence.

Sabrina jumped back to her feet and triggered her chainsaw. (Nobody ever knows where she gets these things…)

Chelsea clicked her tongue. This again? "Can't you be more creative?" This time, she was subdued with a well-placed kick. Sabrina flew through the doors and straight to her gloomy mansion. Chelsea laughed maniacally. "FATALITY!" She glanced about at the room of gawkers. "What? We're done dancing already?"

At her cue, Luke began the jukebox again, but "Elmo's World" started to play. Everyone groaned and Denny crumpled to the floor in agony, yelling, "It burns!"

"Sorry! My bad!"

The doors burst open (again) and Chen came in, looking like an 80's reject. "For shizzle my gizzle it drizzles. Word up, yo."

Little Charlie hung his head in shame. "Dad…"

"Who wants to par-tay?" Chen held up some disco lights. Everyone cheered as the lights dimmed and the colorful lights bounced about the room. Old Taro threw his cane away and started doing 'The Robot'.

Chelsea jumped up and was about to join the crowd when a pair of hands grabbed her hips and dragged her back.

"And just where do you think you're going?" Vaughn's warm breath tickled her neck.

"Are you kidding me? Gannon's doing the Moonwalk. That needs my undivided attention."

"I can think of something else that needs your undivided attention."

"Oh?" Chelsea raised an eyebrow and wrapped her arms around his neck. "But my boyfriend's gonna kill you if he finds out. He can freeze water with a glare and choke you to death with his lasso."

A smirk lifted his face. "Really? Tell me more about him."

"Well, he looks like a grouch but is actually really sweet. You know, there was this girl who tried to steal him from me."

"Is that so? I heard she got her daddy to threaten him to date her or he'd blow the guy's brains out."

Chelsea gasped. "So that's what happened."

Vaughn nodded gravely. "But that's over now. You know what?"

"What?"

He bent down and crooned in her ear. "_Hey, hey, you, you, I wanna be your boyfriend."_

She laughed. "Silly. You always were. I just never told you."

He shook his head and tugged at her hand. "Come on. Let's blow this joint."

"Seriously?"

"Sure. Your boyfriend needs your undivided attention."

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_How silly was that? Let me know about typos. :D_

Review, dear reader  
What do you think?  
Did I deliver  
Or did I stink?


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